"What Matters Most, Living a More Considered Life" by James Hollis PhD

Chapter One - Shock and Awe: That Life Not Be Governed by Fear

This chapter is summarized in the last paragraph, when Hollis says to be what the gods want you to be, not what your parents or your tribe want.  Since the theme of the chapter is not letting life be governed by fear, Hollis is trying to use this chapter to tell us not to be overly-concerned about what our parents or others think about what we do.  We don't need the verification from others to be the person we want to be.

This is a good concept for me to focus on this morning, as I think a lot of the decisions I make (or don't make) are dependent upon what others will think of me, and I am working hard to overcome that.  There was a time in college where I didn't care, and I felt pretty independent of that when I was living on 13th Street, but now the paranoia has come back, stemming from my small town background.

"The meaning of our life will be found precisely in our capacity to achieve as much of it as is possible beyond those bounds fear would set for us."
Perhaps this mentality comes about when I have people in my life, whom I want respect from and whose favor I am scared to lose.  I am probably fearful that they will judge me because of the things I do and won't want to be a friend because of them.  I am scared that I act inappropriately at certain times and that they will be put off by that.  On that same token, I don't want to become my mother (another fear), who I feel acts with a reckless disregard for how things "look" or what others think.

I am the only person whose judgement really matters, and I need to be responsible to only myself for my actions.

I got into an argument with my mother on Friday, and it has been in my subconscious ever since.  I am upset at her for moving forward towards Chapter 11, yet carrying on as if it never happened.  It started bc she told me that she was having cable installed, including cable, internet and home phone, services which total more than $100/month.  This, after hearing she has shamelessly been borrowing money from everyone and their dog.  I feel like she really has no common sense and no care for others.  I mean, she could be paying me back for the taxes I paid for her, at a time when I couldn't afford to do it.  She then spat at me over the phone that she has given me thousands and thousands of dollars and has never said a word.  I'm sorry, but you're my mother, and BOB gave her that money and she would have blown through it too if she hadn't shared it, not to mention, she lied to him for years about where her money had been going.  She is also not being honest w/ Monty regarding her financial situation, so I'm not sure who she thinks she is kidding.  I'm just tired of having to parent her, especially when she is too damn stubborn to get her shit together and be responsible for her actions.  She thinks filing for bankruptcy is just like getting a clean slate and she is just ready to start over.  We'll see how well that works.

Why am I so concerned about what she is doing?  Perhaps I shouldn't be.  I think it's because I love her and care for her and want what's best for her, which is more than she wants for herself.  It is hard feeling helpless when it comes to loved ones.